Get Solvit involved, you are correct, the embassy is not. You may also wish to inform EU Home Affairs (EU council).
There is no need for return (they cannot even ask returnin booking reservations!), and refusal of other embassies are not a factor either as each application needs to be decided over on it's own merits.
Officially there is NO absolute need for a lot of paperwork (including reasons for return). One simply needs to proof that:
- the couple is genuinly and legally married (the marriage does not need to be known or registeristed in the country of the other partner, it simply has to be a legit marriage, not one of convience, not be a sham marriage etc. To verify that the couple is indeed married embassies may ask for legalisations, translations and it could help if the marriage is also registered in both countries (read: in the EU) but it should not be something to refuse the application over. Sadly a few embassies are being a bunch of **** and do demand this: the Spanish and French tend to be rather difficult.
- both partners ID themselves so that the authorities can verify that the people before them match those on the maritial papers and are indeed who they say they are (one EU national, one non-EU national).
- traveling together or joining eachother in an other EU/EEA country then the country of which the EU national is a citizen of. this could be something as simple as a written statement by the EU national.
-- thus there is no need for proof of accomodation, proof of transport, proof of sufficient financial means, travel insurance , no fees, no services fees etc. \
An EU/EEA type of application could only be refused if you commited fraud (you are not actually married for instance), or there is a threat to national security (hope your spouse is not on an international wanted list
).
Useful links (you probably already have some of these):
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http://ec.europa.eu/dgs/home-affairs/wh ... dex_en.htm
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http://ec.europa.eu/dgs/home-affairs/wh ... ted_en.pdf (see section III on EU/EEA applications all spelled out for embassy staff)
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http://europa.eu/youreurope/citizens/tr ... dex_en.htm
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http://eur-lex.europa.eu/LexUriServ/Lex ... 123:en:PDF
(change the EN in the url for other languages such as FR for French.