Spouse visa and possible separation (NOT divorce). Help :(

[acrossthemiles]

Hi all. This is a fairly complicated scenario/situation, and it's also really emotionally tough to deal with at the moment, but I'm desperate for different perspectives on this.

I'm the civil partner of a British man - we got the union in New Zealand, where opposite-sex civil partnerships are legal, but the Home Office accepted it as equivalent to marriage and granted me a spouse visa that's valid until November 2010. We have been "married" since December 2007 and I arrived in the UK in August of 2008, which means I have another 10 months before I'm eligible to apply for ILR.

Unfortunately, the relationship has been fairly rocky for some time, and now we're suffering through a huge and stressful feud between my parents and his parents which is making our daily arguments even worse. We are both emotionally and mentally exhausted and, while I truly do love my partner, I feel ill these days at the idea of coming home to the same house every night. I have begun to think that our best option at this point is a trial separation where we live in separate apartments and are completely financially independent. I do feel that a lot of our problems stem from the fact that we rushed the relationship in the beginning (it was one of those "love at first sight" things) and that we basically moved in together after our first date. I don't want to break up with him - I just think that we desperately need some time and space to sort ourselves out, and we can't seem to do it while we're living under one roof and sharing all our finances and consequently nipping at each other every five minutes.

Obviously though (and this may sound selfish, but I do have to protect myself), I am terrified of the consequences this may have for my immigration status. I love the city I live in and have friends and hobbies here that I don't want to give up. I desperately do not want to go back to the States (my home country) and I want to continue building my life here in the UK. We have no plans to annull our civil partnership, will keep our joint back account (for immigration purposes only, as I'll have my own separate current account in my name alone), and my partner obviously wouldn't make it known to them that we were living apart, but if we're no longer cohabitating, does the Home Office have grounds to remove me or cancel the remainder of my spouse visa? Or, if not, then will I be ineligible for ILR come next August? If that were a possibility, we would have to stick it out until then, but I'm scared that staying in this very unhealthy living situation would end up destroying the relationship permanently - which is NOT what I want.

Does anyone have any advice or suggestions? I'm on a very limited budget, so hiring a solicitor is probably not an option.

Thank you so much for reading.

[Wanderer]

Basically if you're not living as married partners you are technically in breach of your visa and it becomes void. Thereby you should leave to UK but in reality you should be OK till the visa expires, at which point you will need your partners co-operation to remain via ILR. Bear in mind this is a binding legal process, it's not a good idea to apply for ILR with no intention to remain a couple - both parties could suffer by being denied their liberty...

You admit you rushed into this, I think you should be prepared to pay the price. Do you think it's fair to be rewarded with residency?

[PaperPusher]

I'm sorry to hear about your problems.

The relationship must be subsisting at the time you apply for ILR, and you must both intend to continue live together in the future.

It is NOT a good idea to lie on an immigration application, in fact it is a criminal offence and could even land you in prison. It happens that people go to prison, really it does.

Unfortunately, the relationship has been fairly rocky for some time, and now we're suffering through a huge and stressful feud between my parents and his parents which is making our daily arguments even worse.

Perhaps you could both go somewhere like Relate to talk through the problems you are having at the moment.

I do wonder about this feud. Are both sets of parents contacting each other? Or are they in fact manipulating you both into arguing and in a sense you are both being used as weapons in someone else's argument.

You could just not talk about your parents with each other for a while! And if you talk to your parents you could politely but firmly decline any attempt to be drawn into their feud with your in-laws!

If the Home Office does find out that you have split up they can curtail (cancel) your visa. You would get a right of appeal against that but if you are not reconciled and have no children I do not see much hope of you winning an appeal.

You could also see if there is a scheme you could apply for in your own right.

Good luck.

[acrossthemiles]

Basically if you're not living as married partners you are technically in breach of your visa and it becomes void. Thereby you should leave to UK but in reality you should be OK till the visa expires, at which point you will need your partners co-operation to remain via ILR. Bear in mind this is a binding legal process, it's not a good idea to apply for ILR with no intention to remain a couple - both parties could suffer by being denied their liberty...

You admit you rushed into this, I think you should be prepared to pay the price. Do you think it's fair to be rewarded with residency?

We rushed into the marriage component, but I still believe in the relationship in and of itself, and believe that we are a valid couple with intentions on staying together. My idea of a trial separation is aimed at helping, not terminating, the relationship.

I am also intent on contributing to the British society in the long term through my taxes and also my profession, so I don't personally feel as though I'm "cheating" the system - I really do feel prepared to give back to the country.

Why the anger directed at me?

[Wanderer]

Basically if you're not living as married partners you are technically in breach of your visa and it becomes void. Thereby you should leave to UK but in reality you should be OK till the visa expires, at which point you will need your partners co-operation to remain via ILR. Bear in mind this is a binding legal process, it's not a good idea to apply for ILR with no intention to remain a couple - both parties could suffer by being denied their liberty...

You admit you rushed into this, I think you should be prepared to pay the price. Do you think it's fair to be rewarded with residency?

We rushed into the marriage component, but I still believe in the relationship in and of itself, and believe that we are a valid couple with intentions on staying together. My idea of a trial separation is aimed at helping, not terminating, the relationship.

I am also intent on contributing to the British society in the long term through my taxes and also my profession, so I don't personally feel as though I'm "cheating" the system - I really do feel prepared to give back to the country.

Why the anger directed at me?

No anger mate, just realism. I speak as if I was from the HO, a suspicious lot, and I try to view situations as they would, since it's their desicion that matters. It's the one you have to abide with anyway.

The fact is if you are living seperately you are in breach of the terms of your visa, and while we all know the chances of being caught are slim, the UKBA coppers only need a tiny scrap to open up a big hole, as we see on Sky One's UK Border Force on telly.

I don't believe in sugar-coating my responses, but there'll be others along saying it's all fine and there'll be no problem, just wait till tommorrow!

[PaperPusher]

I am also intent on contributing to the British society in the long term through my taxes and also my profession, so I don't personally feel as though I'm "cheating" the system - I really do feel prepared to give back to the country.

If you have split up by the time it comes to apply for ILR, just paying taxes will not enable you stay in the UK. There are possibly many millions of people around the world who would be happy to pay a bit of tax in return for ILR in the UK.

Furthermore, if you travel out of the UK when you are separated, you could be refused entry on your return because of the change in your circumstances.

[acrossthemiles]

I am also intent on contributing to the British society in the long term through my taxes and also my profession, so I don't personally feel as though I'm "cheating" the system - I really do feel prepared to give back to the country.

If you have split up by the time it comes to apply for ILR, just paying taxes will not enable you stay in the UK. There are possibly many millions of people around the world who would be happy to pay a bit of tax in return for ILR in the UK.

Furthermore, if you travel out of the UK when you are separated, you could be refused entry on your return because of the change in your circumstances.

I didn't imply that paying taxes was an automatic entitlement to PR. I just wanted to point out that I actually am committed to contributing to the community and to society at large - and that I'm not just a visa-grubbing selfish expat who only married a guy to get in. We came here intending to build a life together, and I'm doing everything I can to give our relationship a chance. I doubt we'd have much of a chance if I was stuck across the Atlantic.

[acrossthemiles]

I'm sorry to hear about your problems.

The relationship must be subsisting at the time you apply for ILR, and you must both intend to continue live together in the future.

It is NOT a good idea to lie on an immigration application, in fact it is a criminal offence and could even land you in prison. It happens that people go to prison, really it does.

Unfortunately, the relationship has been fairly rocky for some time, and now we're suffering through a huge and stressful feud between my parents and his parents which is making our daily arguments even worse.

Perhaps you could both go somewhere like Relate to talk through the problems you are having at the moment.

I do wonder about this feud. Are both sets of parents contacting each other? Or are they in fact manipulating you both into arguing and in a sense you are both being used as weapons in someone else's argument.

You could just not talk about your parents with each other for a while! And if you talk to your parents you could politely but firmly decline any attempt to be drawn into their feud with your in-laws!

If the Home Office does find out that you have split up they can curtail (cancel) your visa. You would get a right of appeal against that but if you are not reconciled and have no children I do not see much hope of you winning an appeal.

You could also see if there is a scheme you could apply for in your own right.

Good luck.

Thanks for your help and advice.

Re: my in-laws - it's a loooong story, but basically the culmination of this whole thing was when my in-laws sent a fairly nasty letter to my parents, without telling me. So then they both ring us up and go ballistic, because both sets of parents think that we're spreading nasty rumours about them. Aaaaargh.

Unfortunately for us, Relate and similar programmes cost about £60 per session, which is way out of our budget. Hence my taking drastic measures to try and sort things out on our own.

I'm employed by the NHS but in a non-clinical role, so I'm a bit pessimistic about my chances of securing a work visa from them.

[PaperPusher]

£60 a session is too expensive? Is it cheaper than splitting up or living separately during your trial separation though?

[Wanderer]

£60 a session is too expensive? Is it cheaper than splitting up or living separately during your trial separation though?

And don't forget the £820 for ILR!

[hopeless2009]

May be a holiday might help you ...who knows .

[acrossthemiles]

We both recently decided to re-train in different professions, so I've taken a pay cut to get my foot in the door. It's only a three-month contract, after which I move up to a permanent position and a higher band. So in a year when (if) ILR rolls around, the £820 won't be a problem - but at the moment, things are very tight.

(I actually find that expenses seem to be higher when we're living together, compared to when I was on my own - not sure why, but I don't necessarily see why living apart would cost more.)

In any case, we did recently phone the local NHS counseling service anyway, who works with Relate, and there's about a two-month waiting list to get a session.

I seriously feel like my back is against a wall. I'm trying to make the best and the "right" decisions but it's hard to think straight when you're coming home to all-night arguments every evening.

[acrossthemiles]

Something that just occurred to me: I've done some research in the past into the possibility of my being eligible for an ancestry visa, as both my grandmother and grandfather on my mum's side were born in Ireland prior to 1922. But it seems from the wording on this site that I would have to be a Commonwealth citizen and thus being American excludes me from the category.

I also have German ancestry on my father's side (again, both grandparents were born there) but I'm even less familiar with their immigration regulations.

(Please keep in mind that I am NOT looking for a way out of the relationship, I just want to know my options in case things go belly-up...which I'm hoping they don't.)