advice when spouse is cheating

sammyisaac · Post by **sammyisaac** » Fri Aug 10, 2007 3:01 pm

hi everyone, after getting married to my wife last year in October and been issued a two year visa i thought everything was on the up. well there is always something to spoil the fun so to speak. i have recntly discovered that my wife has been cheating on me and the most difficult thing is i have to go through another year with her to gain my permanant residence visa unless anyone knows a better way of resolving this bitter situation. Cant stand to be in the same house anymore to be honest and contemplating spending another year is torture. PLEASE HELP WITH IDEAS

SYH · Post by **SYH** » Fri Aug 10, 2007 3:09 pm

nope but frankly you might be better off just going home since you havent invested too much time in the uk, your call mate
sorry to hear about it

jes2jes · Post by **jes2jes** » Fri Aug 10, 2007 3:12 pm

sammyisaac wrote:hi everyone, after getting married to my wife last year in October and been issued a two year visa i thought everything was on the up. well there is always something to spoil the fun so to speak. i have recntly discovered that my wife has been cheating on me and the most difficult thing is i have to go through another year with her to gain my permanant residence visa unless anyone knows a better way of resolving this bitter situation. Cant stand to be in the same house anymore to be honest and contemplating spending another year is torture. PLEASE HELP WITH IDEAS

Well, this is a tough cookie

The only advise is to seek counselling from a professional (If you go to church your Pastor will do, if a muslim, your Imam will do, If not religious then consider all the professional people out there offering the same service from a different angle).

Sometimes, these things happen out of a misunderstanding or lack of something in the relationship and this can easily be fixed if the two parties are willing to work together.

Well, it is your call to decide to stay with her or not but your visa depends on this. You can move out only if you can prove that:

1. There has been domestic violence. I doubt emotional abuse can be proven easily and if the HO would even consider that. OR

2. If you qualify in your own rights under any of the UK's immigration categories (HSMP, WP etc) then you can move out

else you have the option of

3. Moving back to your country of origin to make life out there or a third country. Your choice but I must say I sympatise with you and wishing you all the best in your relationship and pray it is fixed!

Post by **John** » Fri Aug 10, 2007 3:13 pm

sammyisaac, sorry to hear about that.

Have you been subjected to domestic violence in any way, and if so, is there any independent proof .... from the likes of the Police, hospital, doctor, social worker?

Also, are there any children from the marriage?

sammyisaac · Post by **sammyisaac** » Fri Aug 10, 2007 4:09 pm

We have two children together, one is 15 and the other one is four years old, what i did not elaborate on is that the cheating is ongoing and blatant, she has made it clear that in my situation were i am basically depending on her to get my permanant residnece she will rule the roost. in other words she is on a power trip. there has been violence towards me only witnessed by my four year old. going back home is not an option beacause need to be near my Kids. at the same time the situatino is unbearable.

sammyisaac · Post by **sammyisaac** » Fri Aug 10, 2007 4:10 pm

We have two children together, one is 15 and the other one is four years old, what i did not elaborate on is that the cheating is ongoing and blatant, she has made it clear that in my situation were i am basically depending on her to get my permanant residnece she will rule the roost. in other words she is on a power trip. there has been violence towards me only witnessed by my four year old. going back home is not an option beacause need to be near my Kids. at the same time the situatino is unbearable.

SYH · Post by **SYH** » Fri Aug 10, 2007 5:56 pm

sammyisaac wrote:We have two children together, one is 15 and the other one is four years old, what i did not elaborate on is that the cheating is ongoing and blatant, she has made it clear that in my situation were i am basically depending on her to get my permanant residnece she will rule the roost. in other words she is on a power trip. there has been violence towards me only witnessed by my four year old. going back home is not an option beacause need to be near my Kids. at the same time the situatino is unbearable.

I disagree, I'd call child servcies, register with a solicitor to deal with the child custody issues but go home
you are no use to your children if she is holding a visa over your head

sakura · Post by **sakura** » Fri Aug 10, 2007 6:10 pm

sammyisaac wrote:We have two children together, one is 15 and the other one is four years old, what i did not elaborate on is that the cheating is ongoing and blatant, she has made it clear that in my situation were i am basically depending on her to get my permanant residnece she will rule the roost. in other words she is on a power trip. there has been violence towards me only witnessed by my four year old. going back home is not an option beacause need to be near my Kids. at the same time the situatino is unbearable.

I assume both children are British citizens, and are yours (sorry but always gotta ask!)?
John (or anyone else!), what is the procedure to register for those visas as a parent of a British citizen? I think he could go for that, and there'd be no need to leave the country?

BTW - do you mean you have been together over 15 years? Living outside the UK together? Why did you not get ILE when you entered the UK? Again - John (or anyone else!), don't unmarried partners also get ILE after 4 years' co-habitation, or is it just a UMP visa? Or is it that, since he got married, he could only enter as a spouse?

SYH · Post by **SYH** » Fri Aug 10, 2007 6:17 pm

sakura wrote:
sammyisaac wrote:We have two children together, one is 15 and the other one is four years old, what i did not elaborate on is that the cheating is ongoing and blatant, she has made it clear that in my situation were i am basically depending on her to get my permanant residnece she will rule the roost. in other words she is on a power trip. there has been violence towards me only witnessed by my four year old. going back home is not an option beacause need to be near my Kids. at the same time the situatino is unbearable.
I assume both children are British citizens, and are yours (sorry but always gotta ask!)?
John (or anyone else!), what is the procedure to register for those visas as a parent of a British citizen? I think he could go for that, and there'd be no need to leave the country?

BTW - do you mean you have been together over 15 years? Living outside the UK together? Why did you not get ILE when you entered the UK? Again - John (or anyone else!), don't unmarried partners also get ILE after 4 years' co-habitation, or is it just a UMP visa? Or is it that, since he got married, he could only enter as a spouse?

goodpoint sakura, I was responding to the point about whether he could go home, you can always go home, people don't realize that as soon as they break from the grip of the perpetrator, then the balance of power is restored and there is so much more one can do than thought previously

Docterror · Post by **Docterror** » Fri Aug 10, 2007 7:09 pm

don't unmarried partners also get ILE after 4 years' co-habitation

UPs are also indeed eligible for ILE. But I am inclined to think that the '15' is either a typo or from a previous partner.

Post by **John** » Fri Aug 10, 2007 7:50 pm

No one gets ILE now unless they have been with their partner/spouse for at least 4 years ..... outside the UK ..... AND (as from 02.04.07) they have already passed the Life in the UK Citizenship Test.

As that test can only be taken in the UK (to my knowledge) that is clearly a great problem!

jimquk · Post by **jimquk** » Fri Aug 10, 2007 10:02 pm

Would it be possible to reach an understanding with your wife whereby you move out, but continue to have access to the kids, and she commits herself to co-operating with your ILR application at the right time? I hesitate to suggest such a course of action, but bear in mind that even if you stop there the whole two years she could still frustrate your ILR at the last minute.

Is there anyone that could mediate in such an arrangement, like some family person? I think that what you and your wife both need to work toward is the best interests of the children. What, in fact, does your wife want?

Obviously, if you have any possibility of HSMP, Work Permit, etc, that's worth exploring.

It sounds like a horrible situation. She may think she is humiliating you, but if that is her intention she succeeds only in humiliating herself. I really respect that you try to find the best way forward rather than standing on pride.

Good luck. Keep us posted.

Prince1 · Post by **Prince1** » Sat Aug 11, 2007 11:11 pm

First of all, look after yourself in every possible way and don't expect the situation to change in the immediate.... talk to a good friend...church...mosque..any possible emotional support .

Contact citizens advice bereau in your local area for help...and keep as much records as possible.

Ideally, if you have one ..find someone of significant influence who can talk to your wife...maybe she will listen...

Realistically plan going back home ... it might come to it....

Try getting Work permit or HSMP if you can ...get an admission in a school as a back-up (something you are really interested in and will complement your skill)... possibly a Masters degree...which will put you in line for SEGS and HSMP....and if you really want to buy time ...get admission in Scotland..... that will get you 2years more after your study.

I suppose you've got to take decisions and act....

Remenber, the tide will turn..the sun will shine again......

sammyisaac · Post by **sammyisaac** » Mon Aug 20, 2007 9:28 am

Hi All

This four year rule does that only apply to living together outside the UK. I have a son thats four years old to her. The 15 year old is hers from a previous relationship, I have been with my wife now for 7 years and only got married last year. I am due back in for the indefinate stay application in September next year. I can provide proof that we have co-habitated together for the last 5 years. In this situation can i apply for indefinate leave early on the basis that i have been in a relationship were we were virtually living like married partners? Chief among the proof i can provide is birth certificate of our son. I have bills and more information supporting this. Only exploring this as an option to avoid being in this bad situation. I will take any possible advice as long as is does'nt involve going back to my country of origin. Don't get me wrong love my country and want to settle ther eventually but at the moment to much strife going on there to contemplate going back. My wife is a British citizen. I applied for a fiance visa to begin with and came over to England to get married and then applied for a spouse visa but was not aware of the 4 year rule or who it applied to.

SYH · Post by **SYH** » Mon Aug 20, 2007 9:59 am

sammyisaac wrote:Hi All

This four year rule does that only apply to living together outside the UK. I have a son thats four years old to her. The 15 year old is hers from a previous relationship, I have been with my wife now for 7 years and only got married last year. I am due back in for the indefinate stay application in September next year. I can provide proof that we have co-habitated together for the last 5 years. In this situation can i apply for indefinate leave early on the basis that i have been in a relationship were we were virtually living like married partners? Chief among the proof i can provide is birth certificate of our son. I have bills and more information supporting this. Only exploring this as an option to avoid being in this bad situation. I will take any possible advice as long as is does'nt involve going back to my country of origin. Don't get me wrong love my country and want to settle ther eventually but at the moment to much strife going on there to contemplate going back. My wife is a British citizen. I applied for a fiance visa to begin with and came over to England to get married and then applied for a spouse visa but was not aware of the 4 year rule or who it applied to.

What 4 year rule?

bani · Post by **bani** » Mon Aug 20, 2007 10:07 am

SYH wrote: What 4 year rule?

backtrack to John's post on 10 Aug.

jimquk · Post by **jimquk** » Mon Aug 20, 2007 10:10 am

to much strife going on there to contemplate going back

Where are you from? Are there grounds for an asylum claim?

SYH · Post by **SYH** » Mon Aug 20, 2007 2:07 pm

bani wrote:
SYH wrote: What 4 year rule?
backtrack to John's post on 10 Aug.

thats for outside the uk

Post by **John** » Mon Aug 20, 2007 2:45 pm

SYH, what point are you making?

sammyisaac · Post by **sammyisaac** » Mon Aug 20, 2007 4:23 pm

I am from Zimbabwe, I went to an immigration lawyer and he basically advised me to act the idiot keep quiet and get my paperwork in a year, but just need a second opinion on the best way forward. Maybe if i explain in detail my circumstances. I overstayed my visitors visa when i was living with her in the UK, so was not legal for 3 years and then decided i did not want to be illegal anymore so took it apon myself to go back to Zimbabwe and apply for paperwork . I got a fiance visa and came back to England and got married.Then went to Home Office and got my two year stay, funny thing is when i was illegal she was nice to me, as soon as i have paperwork working full time she has turned nasty. I am just looking for alternatives to this situation. Solid advice on what options i have. There is mental and physicall abuse from her but i have not reported it been a bloke and all you know.

jimquk · Post by **jimquk** » Mon Aug 20, 2007 8:35 pm

I suppose it depends what you want. If you just want to remain in the UK, claiming asylum would mean that, for now at least, you would be able to remain, though without being allowed to work until/unless your claim was accepted. However, at any point in the future returns of faile asylum-seekers might resume. Claiming asylum should be a last resort, for those who have arguable asylum cases; you would need to satisfy the Home Office or court that you personally were in serious danger for a reason covered by the UN convention.

If there is any way of sorting things out with your wife, this would certainly be better. Even if she is determined to hurt you, you might find a way to make it in her interest that you get your ILR - for example, yor ability to contribute materially and in every other way towards the children will certainly be greater if you are here than in Zim.

In the meantime, do definitely think about Work Permit/HSMP etc options as outlined above by Prince1.

Just on the off-chance, I don't suppose you have any UK or other European grandparents? I believe that other EU countries generally have something similar to the UK Ancestry visa.

Good luck

sammyisaac · Post by **sammyisaac** » Tue Aug 21, 2007 10:03 am

I must say just putting my story on this board and the messages of support i have got have somewhat eased my worries, its like a big family were you seek advice and a lot of people have good things to share. Rite question. This work permit thing, am i able to apply for it when i am on a spouse visa and if yes what do i need to make the application. I assume i need a job offer first. I must say i have found it hard to get permanent work on this two year spouse visa, no one will give me a permanent contract. But never entered my mind to apply for work permit. Is it really a viable option and how long do you get with work permit.this will definately turn the table if its viable. No need to depend on her.

jes2jes · Post by **jes2jes** » Tue Aug 21, 2007 10:43 am

sammyisaac wrote:I am from Zimbabwe, I went to an immigration lawyer and he basically advised me to act the idiot keep quiet and get my paperwork in a year, but just need a second opinion on the best way forward. Maybe if i explain in detail my circumstances. I overstayed my visitors visa when i was living with her in the UK, so was not legal for 3 years and then decided i did not want to be illegal anymore so took it apon myself to go back to Zimbabwe and apply for paperwork . I got a fiance visa and came back to England and got married.Then went to Home Office and got my two year stay, funny thing is when i was illegal she was nice to me, as soon as i have paperwork working full time she has turned nasty. I am just looking for alternatives to this situation. Solid advice on what options i have. There is mental and physicall abuse from her but i have not reported it been a bloke and all you know.

Well, If you have proof of the mental and physical abuse then you can make an application based on this (compasionate grounds) but bear in mind that, mental abuse in itself is very difficult to prove and you need expert testimony for that.

On another note, refer to my response to you above dated the 10th of August, all the advise you need is there. What you need now is to make a decision but so long as you went ahead to apply for fiancÃ© visa and not ILE (which I doubt you would have succeeded due to your illegal status then), that window is no longer open IMHO.

You can apply for asylum or compassionate leave. Your call mate!

sammyisaac · Post by **sammyisaac** » Tue Aug 21, 2007 11:31 am

Need a response on making an application on work permit, Would i be able to do so and if i did would work permit take presidence over the spouse visa. Would i be able to go in a years time for ILR. I have always wondered how i would get over the hurdle of getting a permanent job when they require visa with more than 2 years on it.

jes2jes · Post by **jes2jes** » Tue Aug 21, 2007 11:37 am

sammyisaac wrote:Need a response on making an application on work permit, Would i be able to do so and if i did would work permit take presidence over the spouse visa. Would i be able to go in a years time for ILR. I have always wondered how i would get over the hurdle of getting a permanent job when they require visa with more than 2 years on it.

Any visa you get supercedes the previous one so YES your WP visa when granted would cancel the spousal visa. ILR would be based on two tests:

1. 5 years on WP or

2. 10 years continuous stay in the UK (Mixture of different visas including visitor's visa but no illegal stay)

** Of the two above, whichever comes first you can use that route. You would need to find a job and the employer make a WP application on your behalf, you as an individual cannot apply

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advice when spouse is cheating

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